I am not religious. I do not believe that there are any great beings pulling the strings behind the events of our lives. I don’t think anything that happens is necessarily leading up to anything worth suffering for. I have tried believing these things. Maybe it’s a character flaw, but I cannot.
AA says that you need some kind of spiritual existence to stay sober. This is one of the things that has isolated me from the program in the last month. They say that alcoholism is a spiritual sickness with a spiritual cure. I have tried to believe in these things and I cannot.
I can still relate to the need for faith, however. This is what I have found, through struggles and sobriety and lapses. I need to believe that this suffering is leading up to something. This “something” may not be guaranteed by any spiritual being. It may not lie behind pearly gates and it may never grant me eternal peace and happiness.
I am trying to have faith in the law of cause and effect. I am struggling to believe that any transition is difficult, but many are worth it in the end. I want reassurance that these late nights and tears are growing pains, but I can’t have that until I wait and see for myself.
I will keep this experiment going. I will keep trying to believe, because what I am struggling to leave behind cannot be worse than the future. That is my belief. That is what I am trying to hold on to.