Valentine’s in November

My chest hurt. I checked my email obsessively. I felt this unusual kind of needing, like where I was and what I had was suddenly not enough to live on.

It’s been so long since I had a crush on someone that I didn’t recognize the feeling. I had to laugh when I put it together. You like this person, you idiot.

I wish I didn’t. It is hard to even imagine myself as a person who can maintain a relationship. I get too scared. I get too greedy. I get too caught up in my head, until God only knows what is actually happening between the two of us.

Theoretically. The truth is that I have never even really tried.

My biggest fear is inflicting my flawed, pointless self on an innocent person. My co-biggest fear is being alone for the rest of my life.

And all this feels beside the point when I think about this person and their creativity and their kindness and their weirdness. I think I could only like a weird person. I think only a weird person could like me.

There’s a good chance that nothing will ever come of this. Earlier I was wishing that it had never even happened, this crush. It hurts.

But that feels beside the point when I think about this person.

This entry was posted in Relationships, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Valentine’s in November

  1. Hi, I often feel the same about probably only likeing another weird person and another weird person liking me. You can’t help your feelings. Best wishes


  2. Pingback: Valentine’s in November | Mental Health, Politics and LGBT issues |

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s