My chest hurt. I checked my email obsessively. I felt this unusual kind of needing, like where I was and what I had was suddenly not enough to live on.
It’s been so long since I had a crush on someone that I didn’t recognize the feeling. I had to laugh when I put it together. You like this person, you idiot.
I wish I didn’t. It is hard to even imagine myself as a person who can maintain a relationship. I get too scared. I get too greedy. I get too caught up in my head, until God only knows what is actually happening between the two of us.
Theoretically. The truth is that I have never even really tried.
My biggest fear is inflicting my flawed, pointless self on an innocent person. My co-biggest fear is being alone for the rest of my life.
And all this feels beside the point when I think about this person and their creativity and their kindness and their weirdness. I think I could only like a weird person. I think only a weird person could like me.
There’s a good chance that nothing will ever come of this. Earlier I was wishing that it had never even happened, this crush. It hurts.
But that feels beside the point when I think about this person.