Boys

It turns out that email is the perfect way for me to flirt, if not the only way I can do it. It’s intimate and impersonal at the same time. It lacks the anxiety and awkwardness of facial expressions, hands, tones of voice. I have been somewhat flirting with a boy. This is new territory on several levels.

Historically I have usually liked girls. I want to write something poetic about why, but I just like them. They look good. They feel good.

What do I do with this boy I like too? It’s taking a little time to adjust to the idea, but I know it’s not really a big deal. I’m not actually interested in gay versus bi, or who gets to call themselves what. There are bigger issues.

Truth be told, I’ve written and deleted this post three or four times. I don’t know how to write about sex. It’s always been this big murky thing just kind of hanging out there, or a parallel universe that my friends began effortlessly slipping into when we where thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. I’m comfortable with abstract ideas. Sex is immediate and overwhelming. It’s frightening.

A lot of my attraction for this boy stems from attraction to his words. I don’t know exactly how that turned into romantic feelings. It’s funny how our minds cross wires like that. I think of it as a matter of nerve endings. Our thoughts and feelings live in nerves, which also run through the body. Touch one, touch the other.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I know that this boy is patient and sweet and I can’t seem to scare him off. I feel like a tourist in a new land. I don’t know. I may find a way to ruin this yet.

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