Because I don’t think I’ll be trying one again.
I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone. This is different from saying “I’ve never hurt anyone.”
I’m starting to think of my inner world and the real world as distinct kingdoms. They need to be kept separate. Trying to blend them, by bringing the fantasies of the former into the practices of the latter, feels wrong because it should not happen. People get hurt. My friend says, “Dating is the worst thing ever.” It can never be painless.
If anxiety is wolves in my chest, and sorrow is a sea creature, shame is ants over my skin. Guilt is a heavy stone in my stomach. Alchemists believed that you had to be a good Christian in your heart or the potions wouldn’t work for you. I attempted a transformation, some hybrid of chemistry and magic, and it failed. I am not pure of heart.
I am not doing this again.