Over the Wall

At a SMART meeting we talked about hitting a wall. Apparently this often happens about three or four months into recovery. A lot of people experience a honeymoon phase when they first start feeling the benefits of sobriety and everything begins to look wonderful. Then the cravings just sort of slam back into your brain. This can be a problem if you are unprepared.

This lines up with my experience over the last few weeks. Things were going better than they had – maybe ever, in my adult life. I felt completely done with drinking. I felt strong. Then one day the cravings just sort of showed up – no precipitating event, they were just waiting for me, especially in the evening.

I sucked it up. I rode it out.

I was thinking about accomplishments today, about how some people have lives that will impress the world at large and many people do not. I’m okay with being one of the six billion “nots.” I’m okay with an obituary that will read “She was important to two or three people on the face of the Earth.”

I got through a rough time. I didn’t give in.

I don’t even hate myself right now.

That’s something to brag about, to myself, that no one else will really give a shit about. And I’m happy with it.

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