I moved to a new city last week. I’ve looked up SMART and SOS meetings since I’ve been here, but I haven’t gone to one yet. I’ve been busy; I’ve been anxious about meeting strangers; I’ve been enjoying the feeling that my life is on track and maybe I don’t need therapy all the time anymore.
But it’s been on my mind lately. No serious urges, but little proto-cravings, little seeds. It starts with little daydreams, then moves on to a certain awareness – the realization that I could. I don’t want to, I won’t, but my brain gets really focused on the fact that I could.
I think that might be the entire appeal, when I get into this kind of mood. I might not even be craving alcohol itself. The exhilaration comes just from buying it, or sneaking it from my room-mate’s supply.
It’s that feeling of stepping off-track, of breaking a rule, of not knowing what’s going to happen next. It’s that feeling of disappearing from this world and visiting another for a little while.
Honestly, just writing all of this out has made me feel better. I feel a little more solid, more present in this world. I know there’s a trade-off: I’m giving up some of the old exhilaration for the possibility of finding something here, in the present. I believe it’s worth it.