I’ve been in a gap between the end of school and the beginning of a job. I’ve been sitting around a lot. It’s impossible to get off the internet. It’s so soothing, sort of real life and sort of not. It seems like I was born at exactly the right time and place. It’s easier to peek at life from a safe distance than it’s ever been.
I don’t want to exist like this forever. I don’t know if I have a choice. I’ve been making little forays into the world – visiting the library, looking into grad school, applying for volunteer work.
All of it hurts. Even on medication, even after an embarrassing amount of therapy. The world is like an electrical socket I keep sticking my finger into. Even positive interactions leave me feeling shaken, ashamed, drained. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with the world?
The only instinct I have is to just stay away from it all, but that doesn’t offer real relief, just a kind of death. I don’t see any choice but to keep jabbing that electrical socket. And sometimes that pisses me off.