Magic Trick

She’s got one magic trick;

Just one and that’s it.

She disappears.

– “Magic Trick,” M. Ward

I have always been fascinated with the phenomenon: all you have to do is leave a place, and you are transformed from flesh and blood into a memory, a shadow, a topic of conversation. For someone who finds human skin confining, who panics at any sign of enclosure, it’s irresistible. Just leave. Just leave and stop being a person, just like that.

I quit my job today. More accurately I ran away from my job today. I walked into the building, up the flight of stairs, saw the door to my office, and fled. The anxiety has been building for months. It finally hit a breaking point.

I feel so little and broken. I’ve been thinking about alternate job possibilities for months, and every one seems impossible. It all comes down to my body’s goddamn reaction to other people – the prickly skin, the closure of my throat. I can’t do a job where I have to talk to strangers every day, I can’t, and that is every damn job out there.

This sucks. I feel ridiculous.

There’s no clean break from anything, and that seems massively unfair. All I ever want is to extract myself. All I ever want is to disappear.

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This entry was posted in Anxiety, AvPD, Being Crazy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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