I was once in a therapy group where you had to name the emotion you were feeling at the beginning of every session. Once I said, “Tired.” The therapist shook her head and handed me a chart with dozens of emotions listed on it. “Tired” wasn’t on there. It’s a physical state, see, not an emotional one.
But that was wrong, and I knew it. It’s possible to be emotionally tired, spiritually tired. It can be an all-encompassing state of being.
I know if I pull it together and keep fighting, things will get better again. I have been strong in the past. I have achieved clarity and ambition. I can get them back.
And then, I know, eventually I will lose them again. And fight for them back. Again.
It’s such a powerful image, the moment when the phoenix rises from the ashes. We all just kind of politely ignore the fact that the phoenix will burn up again.
I used to hit my stride and think that I had made it. This is a natural assumption for someone who grew up watching too many movies. But there never is a point, in reality, when you can say, “I’m all better now.” There is no such thing as “My days of struggling are done.”
I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow. It’s just piling up tonight. I’m exhausted.