I have been alcohol-free for six days, my longest stretch since June or July.
In my head, the imaginary audience that reads this blog must be getting sick of me posting stuff like that. My first sobriety date, the day I went in-patient, was May 19, 2012. That lasted about five months. My next sobriety date was January 7, 2013. Again, about five months. My latest one is November 19, 2013.
I’m tired of collecting sobriety dates. I don’t have the memory to keep track of them all, for one thing. And I want to be able to come here and post good news about progress and improvement. And I just can’t spend my life bouncing from crisis to crisis, buoyed only by the little stretches of fleeting healthiness in-between.
I’m starting an out-patient rehab program tomorrow. I’m really glad, because these last six days have been pretty rough. I don’t have any friends who are in recovery right now; I feel like I’ve been fighting alone. I don’t know how to ask my friends for a little support without sounding melodramatic, whiny, selfish. I don’t know how to explain to them what I’ve been going through.
I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping, a lot of messing around on the internet. I’ve been reading about recovery wherever I can; AA pages, non-12 Step groups, articles and message boards. Anything to make me feel a little less isolated. I haven’t worked up the courage to post anywhere, yet. Again, the same old shame, the same fear of being melodramatic, whiny, selfish.
I should try to sleep. I’ve been chugging coffee: my replacement drug, I guess. I really hope I’ll make it work this time.