I had my first session of a new therapy group/”skills class” earlier this week. I caught myself doing this weird but familiar thing as I walked in the room; assessing my mood and the current state of my life, worrying that I was too well to be there.
I can’t get it out of my head that you have to earn therapy somehow. I’m afraid it will be a waste of time and money if it turns out I wasn’t as sick as I thought. It reminds me of the way people talk about “earning your seat” in an AA meeting. Like there’s some measurable amount of suffering we all have to reach before we deserve help.
Some of my concerns are purely practical, to be fair. I really can’t afford to throw money at this therapy group if I’m not going to get a lot out of it. But it also feels like a moral question, like I might be stealing a seat from a sicker person just by showing up.
At the same time that I want to be healthy, I also secretly want to be damaged enough to justify the help I’m getting.