Damaged Enough

I had my first session of a new therapy group/”skills class” earlier this week. I caught myself doing this weird but familiar thing as I walked in the room; assessing my mood and the current state of my life, worrying that I was too well to be there.

I can’t get it out of my head that you have to earn therapy somehow. I’m afraid it will be a waste of time and money if it turns out I wasn’t as sick as I thought. It reminds me of the way people talk about “earning your seat” in an AA meeting. Like there’s some measurable amount of suffering we all have to reach before we deserve help.

Some of my concerns are purely practical, to be fair. I really can’t afford to throw money at this therapy group if I’m not going to get a lot out of it. But it also feels like a moral question, like I might be stealing a seat from a sicker person just by showing up.

At the same time that I want to be healthy, I also secretly want to be damaged enough to justify the help I’m getting.

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This entry was posted in Anxiety, Being Crazy and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Damaged Enough

  1. Clyde Lied says:

    “earning your seat” seems like an awkward thing to ask someone for; as if someone would go there for social points. People want their lives to matter, and they want their pain to be recognized & handled with care by others.
    I’ve thought the same thing at times, thinking myself to be the most-normal person there; or wondering if I’m getting enough out of it. But for now, I just keep thinking of how down-and-out I was before, and I keep seeing a little progress almost every day; I just keep adding it up & looking toward a better future.

    Like

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