Here’s my goal right now: it’s less about actually being healthy or happy, and more about keeping my defects as contained as I can. It’s strange how long the fear of being shamed can endure, way past the point where you’ve stopped caring about wasting your life or taking care of yourself. I worry about work because I want my co-workers to see me as competent and sane. I worry about spending time with my family because I don’t want them to be judgmental or alarmed. But that’s as far as my concern goes right now.

I think I’m keeping the spillover to a minimum so far. My clothes are clean enough, my hair is combed. I can talk to people and laugh at their jokes. I do worry about how much longer I can keep this up, though.

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