“Crazy”

I know a lot of mentally ill people and their allies would love to get rid of the word “crazy.” It stigmatizes people and minimizes their pain. I’m sympathetic to the argument, even if I don’t feel as strongly about the issue as some do.

I also, for the last few days, have been feeling crazy. I can’t find a word for it that fits the situation better, than resonates with me quite so profoundly. I feel cut off from reality, unable to take care of myself, deeply and irrationally sad. Crazy crazy crazy. Like a crazy person.

The second-worst thing about it is that it came out of nowhere. I’m working, I’m socializing, I’m reading good books and writing more fiction. Two days ago, I just woke up – not even feeling particularly sad, but thinking terrible things anyway. Disjointed thoughts that I don’t want to get into at this exact moment.

The worst-worst thing about it is that, as opposed to the last time this happened, I have something to lose. The last time I got depressed, at the end of 2013, I wasn’t even employed. I had plenty of freedom to mope around and hate myself and be crazy. The stakes were pretty low.

But now I have a job I like, and I’m scared. I’m scared that I’m going to screw up and lose it, and I’m even scared that I’m going to panic and quit, just out of nowhere, just like where this latest bout of Crazy came from. 

I’m pretty exhausted. I feel like I can fight and work my ass off, taking my medicine and Practicing Self Care and staying sober and not hurting myself and talking to my therapist and making an effort to socialize and identifying my needs and practicing mindfulness – and from all of that, I’ll get a few good weeks. Maybe a month.

And then inevitably, one day I’ll wake up on a clear blue day and find myself crazy again. Just like that. Caused by nothing.

I don’t want to be discouraging. I do believe in asking for help and taking care of yourself and all of that. And I’m sure this will pass. And things will be good again. And that will pass too.

I just don’t know what to say. I just had to get this out. With any luck, I’ll be able to sleep now. I don’t know. I just hope this passes soon.

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