Author Archives: toujoursgai

So Long, Farewell

Posted on May 24, 2015 by toujoursgai

I started this blog on September 18, 2012. I had just been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. I had recently gotten sober and was trying to finish college. I was overflowing with things to say and had no one to … Continue reading →

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The Worst of Me: A Tribute

Posted on May 19, 2015 by toujoursgai

I found out about Elliott Smith a little late – the first song I heard by him was Needle in the Hay on the “Royal Tenenbaums” soundtrack. I immediately ran out and bought his self-titled album. He had already played … Continue reading →

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Like a Person

Posted on May 4, 2015 by toujoursgai

The change happened so suddenly. I cleaned my apartment. I read a couple of books. Like incantations, like potions, these things made me better. I’ve been feeling very human lately. I’ve been talking to people, getting some writing done, even … Continue reading →

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Spillover

Posted on April 7, 2015 by toujoursgai

Here’s my goal right now: it’s less about actually being healthy or happy, and more about keeping my defects as contained as I can. It’s strange how long the fear of being shamed can endure, way past the point where … Continue reading →

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Housekeeping

Posted on April 5, 2015 by toujoursgai

My apartment is becoming pretty gross, and I’m not doing anything about it. I could wash dishes and take out the trash and clean the litter box, but not tonight. Cleaning has become A Thing, where “A Thing” is defined … Continue reading →

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A Tiny, Drifting Family

Posted on March 23, 2015 by toujoursgai

When I am on retreats, each afternoon I walk and wring my hands, saying to all the mental health patients of the world, “You don’t have to wring your hands today. I am doing it for you.” – Marsha Linehan, … Continue reading →

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Nights and Days

Posted on March 14, 2015 by toujoursgai

It’s bizarre how different my mornings are from my evenings. Mornings are a time of sleepy competence, when I may not want to be up but I can still make coffee and get dressed on time. Sitting in my car … Continue reading →

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Damaged Enough

Posted on February 27, 2015 by toujoursgai

I had my first session of a new therapy group/”skills class” earlier this week. I caught myself doing this weird but familiar thing as I walked in the room; assessing my mood and the current state of my life, worrying … Continue reading →

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Wandering back into therapy

Posted on February 20, 2015 by toujoursgai

I had my last appointment with a therapist sometime last summer, I think. We didn’t officially wrap anything up; I just stopped going. I was busy with my new job and sick of shelling out for co-pays. I didn’t feel … Continue reading →

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Femininity and Survival

Posted on February 15, 2015 by toujoursgai

Today a customer complimented my “nice voice” and “pleasant demeanor.” I’ve gotten comments like this before. I am a little forest bunny at work. I am shy and sweet, and my voice is a good half octave higher than it … Continue reading →

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