Tag Archives: avoidant personality disorder

So Long, Farewell

Posted on May 24, 2015 by toujoursgai

I started this blog on September 18, 2012. I had just been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder. I had recently gotten sober and was trying to finish college. I was overflowing with things to say and had no one to … Continue reading →

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Spillover

Posted on April 7, 2015 by toujoursgai

Here’s my goal right now: it’s less about actually being healthy or happy, and more about keeping my defects as contained as I can. It’s strange how long the fear of being shamed can endure, way past the point where … Continue reading →

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Nights and Days

Posted on March 14, 2015 by toujoursgai

It’s bizarre how different my mornings are from my evenings. Mornings are a time of sleepy competence, when I may not want to be up but I can still make coffee and get dressed on time. Sitting in my car … Continue reading →

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Damaged Enough

Posted on February 27, 2015 by toujoursgai

I had my first session of a new therapy group/”skills class” earlier this week. I caught myself doing this weird but familiar thing as I walked in the room; assessing my mood and the current state of my life, worrying … Continue reading →

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Wandering back into therapy

Posted on February 20, 2015 by toujoursgai

I had my last appointment with a therapist sometime last summer, I think. We didn’t officially wrap anything up; I just stopped going. I was busy with my new job and sick of shelling out for co-pays. I didn’t feel … Continue reading →

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What’s So Scary?

Posted on January 23, 2015 by toujoursgai

It’s a little late for New Year’s resolutions, but I have been trying to try a new thing: less time on mindless websites, more time reading real books, or writing, or basically existing in the world in some substantial way. … Continue reading →

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I Suck at Being Queer

Posted on December 5, 2014 by toujoursgai

Well, sometimes it feels that way. God knows I’ve tried. I’ve hung out in gay clubs, joined a drag troupe (that I quickly dropped out of because my social anxiety was too much at the time), flirted with women online. … Continue reading →

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Steps Forward

Posted on October 18, 2014 by toujoursgai

You know what’s funny? I was diagnosed with AvPD over two years ago. I started this blog shortly afterwards. And yet I never shared my diagnosis with any of my friends or family. I spilled my anonymous guts all over … Continue reading →

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Silence Reconsidered

Posted on August 14, 2014 by toujoursgai

For most of my life, I’ve seen silence as a guardian, a companion, an essential part of who I am. I’ve lived with silence like cotton in my mouth, shoving all my words back into my lungs. And I thought that … Continue reading →

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A Mechanism for Letting Go

Posted on June 11, 2014 by toujoursgai

(TW: Self harm) I did something stupid at work last week. Not a moral offense or a “worried about getting fired” level of stupidity, just something embarrassing. I worried about it for the rest of the afternoon. I cried a … Continue reading →

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